It’s Okay to Take Your Turn

In March of 2017 we were driving home probably from Chick-Fil-A, because I was 5 months pregnant and craved it a lot, when Josiah glanced at me and said, “I’m serious I want to see what it takes to be a cop here.” Dead-silence. My first thought was why now? Second thought was do I support this? This was around the time when police shootings were rising at an alarming rate. I wanted to say no this isn’t a good idea. However when I looked at his face I could see he was unquestionably serious.

A few months before this he had let me quit my job substitute teaching, because I was sick and miserable. I desired to be a stay at home mom and in order to please me Josiah promised everything would work out and he could handle it. The only reason we were able to survive on a valet’s salary was because we were faithful to God. If we show you the math it does not add up. Our income was insufficient compared to our bills. Not once were we begging or left empty handed. Every bill was paid early or on time. It was beyond a miracle.

What came out of my mouth next could have only been God and remembering what he sacrificed for me. I turned to him and as sincere as I could, I said, “If that’s what you want then you have to do it on your own. I will support you, but I cannot do this for you. This is all you.” Josiah has a need to be motivated, and by saying that I knew he had to be serious or it wouldn’t happen. If this was the career he was going to choose it would be up to him to make it happen. Don’t get me wrong, because of who I am, I had to fight every fiber of my being not to push him. However, I was constantly saying how proud I am, reminding him of dates for interviews, helping him pick out outfits, and helping him fill out paperwork. The longer and harder the process got, the less he wavered and the more he pushed on. I stood beside him every step of the way.

A year later almost to the day we attended his graduation from the Police Academy. All of his hard work had finally paid off. He began his career and knew exactly where he was headed. If I’m honest, I was jealous. I resented him. He figured it out. He was able to pinpoint what he wanted and chased his dreams. Meanwhile, I had spent so much time taking care of Zion and supporting him that I neglected myself. People would ask what I did or wanted to do and I stumbled through answers. I felt like a failure. I watched as others my age graduated college or began a career and I was depressed. Finally, I sat down and tried to remember what I was passionate about. I began working on myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. I was honest with Josiah. I told him that I wasn’t happy and it was my turn to pursue a dream.

As a wife and a mom it’s almost impossible to say it’s my turn. Taking a turn seems selfish. It’s like you’ve stepped out of place. You almost feel like a rebel. You feel as if people will look at you and say, “how dare you?” Here’s the truth, though, you aren’t wrong to take your turn. Let me say it again, it is okay to take your turn. It is okay to say enough is enough. You must take care of yourself, because if you aren’t taking care of yourself are you really taking care of others? Can you really give a hundred percent if you are not at a hundred percent.

So here I am reassessing the past year and trying to get back to when I had dreams. I’m trying to get back to the moment when I could talk for hours about my passions and my future. I might be a wife and a mom, but I am also an individual who desires to thrive while I push those I love to thrive.

I am back at square one and it is intimidating. I am terrified, but I am prepared. I want to be a writer. I want to help and inspire others. I’m remembering what it’s like to have dreams and goals. My whole perspective has changed. My husband needs to be just as proud of me as I am of him. My son needs to see his parents flourishing and achieving goals. As a couple we want to raise Zion to see that it’s never too late to dream. Life might be hard, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

If you’ve forgotten about yourself then it’s time to start over or pick up where you left off. You are not selfish. You are worth the time and energy. Take it one day at a time. Think back to when you last really heard God speak. Think back to when you had dreams. What were those dreams? Pick them back up. Take the time for yourself. Be honest with your support system and if you’re surrounded by the right people they will push you to achieve your goals.

Go to a coffee shop or a park alone. Just sit and think. No social media. No comparing yourself to others, not even your spouse. Silence your phone. Remember who you are. Think about what you want. You don’t want to look back and realize you got lost in supporting everyone else. Just like in the parable with the master and the talents. What are you doing with your talents? Are you investing and doubling? Did you bury your talents and dreams in the sand? Dig those dreams out beloved! I promise it’s okay!