If you were to walk past our home right now you’d probably hear Josiah and I clapping and cheering. Loudly. For the past few weeks we have been bribing our child with applause just to get him to continue taking steps on his own. Honestly we enjoy every moment of it. When we clap Zion lights up and starts clapping too. His mouth makes this giant “o” shape and his eyes sparkle as he lets out an, “oh.” As in “oh” Mom and Dad think this is special. Mom and Dad think I’m doing something amazing. He has gotten so use to our applause that he barely stands if we’re not looking or he stands so that we will look. He’s happy crawling, but he’s aware that we’re elated when he’s taking steps on his own.
Don’t get me wrong we’re perfectly content with him just crawling if that’s how he wants to get around. He’s thriving and growing at an acceptable rate and he isn’t falling behind the curve, so the fact that he’s not completely walking is fine with us. However, like any good parent, we love when Zion hits a huge milestone. We’ve spent the past year giving him applause for the small and big stuff. As he’s gotten older and stronger he’s learned how to be brave, how to trust his own body, and he trusts that we’re always right there when he needs us. He will walk when he is ready and can trust himself and us.
Right now his steps are wobbly and forced. You can see it in his face with every step as it obviously takes all of his concentration and strength to put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes he’ll get two steps in and dramatically throw himself to the floor and other times he’ll take a good eight steps before his dramatic flailing around. I’m convinced he knows we think that him dropping to the ground with a loud grunt is hilarious and being the attention lover that he is he continues to put on his show. Living in my house is never dull when Zion roams our floors.
I wish I could see the inner working of Zion’s brain so that I would know exactly what’s keeping him from trusting his legs. Does he fear falling? Does he worry that walking won’t be as fast as crawling? Is he scared we won’t catch him? Is he scared of independence? When I think about it, his distrust sounds a lot like my fears. Is God going to let me fall? Is there a better and faster plan than God’s plan? Will I be good enough when I step out in faith? Will God be there to catch me or fix it when I mess up?
Zion looks exactly like Josiah so I always wonder about what he got from me, but as he is developing character, I can see that it’s my personality and my traits. Zion got my perfectionist genes I just know it. The entire year he’s been alive he wouldn’t do anything completely until he knew he could do it perfectly. It took him longer to crawl than normal because he wasn’t interested in getting up on all fours until he was strong enough to get somewhere. He wouldn’t feed himself until he could do so without missing his mouth. Meanwhile I fear new things and stepping out in faith because I might fail or nothing will work out like I planned.
My blogs started in journals and in prayers. My writings were solely for me, myself, and I. My husband wasn’t even privy to what I wrote because it was for some reason embarrassing. I’ve always wanted to be a blogger, but fear and insecurities kept my writings stashed away in a private collection of white lined paper. The more I prayed the louder my dreams got. Eventually desires won over fears. I let go and decided, you know what I’ll take my first step and if I fail, then I’ll just have to get back up again.
Blogging isn’t the only time I’ve feared stepping out, but it’s definitely the most recent example. You would think with the amount of times God has taught me about trust that by now I’d have it down, but I’m just a little stubborn. That’s another trait Zion got from me, but we’ll just call it strong willed. Not all is lost on me, however. In all the wobbly steps I’ve taken I’ve learned something that goes much deeper than just letting go of the sides of the furniture or walking away from the walls.
Have you ever been to a skating rink and watched all of the inexperienced skaters? Or maybe you’re the inexperienced one. There’s a lot of fear or worry that comes with putting your steady feet on four tiny wheels. Someone who hasn’t skated often will cling to the walls and slowly scoot along with a firm grip. The wall or railing offers stability and a chance of not falling and looking silly. However, have you ever watched the more experienced skaters? Have you watched how they glide with ease while knowing they won’t be the ones that fall? The difference between the two skaters is a trust in their abilities and a trust in the equipment or skates they’re wearing.
Trust allows freedom. Freedom allows joy. I’ve spent a lot of my life being hurt by people who were supposed to be my protector or people who said they loved me. I’ve trusted a lot of people who eventually let me down. My view of people has often shaped my view of God, whether I realized it or not. If man would hurt me then why wouldn’t God, but that’s far from the truth. Trusting God is a lot like a baby taking their first steps away from a parents grasp or a skater letting go of the wall. Trusting God can be terrifying and wobbly, but it’s an adventure and it’s fun beyond your imagination. Trusting God doesn’t mean that you won’t fall or hit bumps, but it means freedom. Trusting God is like gliding along the hardwood floor effortlessly and stress free.
I don’t have all the answers and I’ll never claim that I do, but I’ve learned a lot in these short 21 years. I’ve grown up a lot faster through life circumstances, and I may have hated it all in the past, but I’m grateful for everything now. Sometimes I forget all the things I’ve gone through, and sometimes I forget to trust God. Each phase of life brings a new scary obstacle or new experience, but that’s the point. If Zion decides that he never wants to walk he’ll quickly find that there’s things he can’t accomplish without walking. He’ll only crawl and find himself bored and stuck. He won’t experience the joy of playing tag with his friends or climbing up a playground. Plus a 12 year old crawling around would get really annoying for us and definitely be a strange sight. If we were to stay in one place we’d become stagnant. Like water in order to stay fresh we need to be moving. If you’ve seen a swamp then, you know that when water stops moving moss and algae grows and the stench is unbearable. Moving water has the chance to stay clear, fresh, and without smell. We have to keep moving, because trust involves action. Anyone can tell you they trust you and you can say that you trust anyone, but if you don’t take the first steps then you don’t really trust. It’s okay to be content, but there’s a difference between being content and being lazy or paralyzed from fear. Trust allows you to move from glory to glory. Trust is scary, but so worth it in the end. Trust can make your insecurities seem a lot smaller because you’ll realize that in the end those fears don’t matter when you’re free. I let go of a lot of my fears when I started writing for the public eye. I feared that I would have no support or that my writing wouldn’t be good enough, but I’ve found that none of my fears were the truth. When I trusted God to guide my hands and lead my every move I was surprised at the outcome. Everything small and big that I’ve accomplished so far has proven to me that trusting God was worth it. I have a long way to go in my writing and in life in general, but through trust I’m prepared for the future. Trust me friend trust is worth it!
Raising Mountains 