Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?”
(John 4:28-29)
I’m sitting in silence. It’s hot. I’m tired of drawing up water day after day. It is never enough. I always need more. I am tired. When is the last time I slept? I am thirsty. My mouth is dry. This can’t be all I have to live for. Right? Somebody? I’ll take anybody.
Spiritual ADD has always plagued me. You see, I get bored easily. I don’t know how to hold onto much for a long period of time. I could sit here and blame it all on my past, but that’s old news. I am moving on from that. The fact is that I have just never disciplined myself enough to sit tight and hold focus. I have jumped from one friend to another, from one relationship to another, from one hobby to another, from one idea to another, from one project to another and so on for a long time. I created chaos. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong until I met Him at the well.
He told me things about myself that I thought I buried six feet under. He told me who I really was. He saw through who I was pretending to be. I don’t know what this feeling is. I am not thirsty. I don’t need my water jar. It’s not enough. I am running. I feel like my heart might explode. Who is this man? Is He my savior?
We never find out the name of the woman at the well. After she runs off to tell her people about the man she met at the well, we never hear about her again. That’s not who I wanted to be. I desire to have the loyalty of Ruth. I want the calling of Esther. I desire to be loved like Rachel. I want to be set apart, known, legendary. Reality check, that woman at the well, that woman is me. Is that woman you?
I have done some good things in my life. I have been saved since I was 14. I went on a mission trip. I have been baptized. I married a man who loves me, loves my son, and loves God. I am raising a son, who even at one years old, dances during worship and raises his hands while saying Jesus. I lead worship. I feel called to minister to women. I do good things. I am called for amazing things, but I am distracted.
The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
(John 4:15-18)
No of course I don’t have five husbands or have never had more than one husband, but I have had other lovers. My ambition, my anxiety, my goals, my life, my phone, my writing, my career. Me. Me. Me. Mine. Mine. Mine. I have had my moments of clarity and drive. I even had my moments of zeal and dedication to God. I have at certain points in my life been completely Christ centered. Then life happens. Depression hits and off I go to my other lovers. Like the woman at the well I know there is a Messiah and I know he’s coming, but am I really ready? Are you ready?
If you couldn’t tell by now, this blog is a little different than my usual. This one stings a little. This one stung the first time I felt more in common with the woman at the well and it hurts hearing it the second time. It’s like trying out for the Varsity team and finding out you made the B team on Junior Varsity. I wanted to hear that I am like Esther and instead I got you’re the woman at the well. I’m broken and distracted. I am bouncing from lover to lover. Oh don’t get me wrong, eventually the woman at the well has a beautiful story, but I want more. I will never stop working to be more like Esther or Ruth or one of the good ones. However, I’d like to believe that my priorities are changing.
Everything I’m doing now is no longer working. The anxiety attacks and days in the slumps are proof of that. I might need some outside help, and I am finally okay admitting that. I can’t wait for the day when I hear someone or even God tell me I see Esther in you. I see Mary in you. One day, but for now I will be working my butt off, for the right reasons this time.
I won’t be perfect, but I’ll be better. I know myself and I’ll most likely lose focus. What can I say? I’m human. Luckily I now have this post to come back to and remind myself why I want to be better.
Just remember there is nothing wrong with the woman at the well after she met Jesus. She fell in love with a Savior and she made it her mission to tell everyone. She was a catalyst for a group of Samaritans being saved. She left her old ways behind and moved forward, but what’s next? Do you stay there? No. You figure out what your calling is and you live sold out for a purpose. You keep falling in love and you become zealous. You figure out how to focus. You figure out how to abandon those other lovers. I wish I could give you a step by step guide on how to be better, but I can’t. You unfortunately have to figure out what works for you.
It isn’t easy. Trust me. It’s worth it though. It’s beyond worth it. In the end it’s all that matters.
Raising Mountains 