“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
After posting, “She’s MIA” a few weeks ago I began the process of ‘deconstructing.’ If you follow mainstream media at all you will read that sentence and need to fight the urge to be sad for me, angry, or even try to debate me, and don’t worry this process is being done in the safety of therapy.
The word ‘deconstructing’ is currently being used by celebrities and influencers to announce that they are turning away from Christianity and becoming skeptics or atheists, and before you go for the jugular, no, that is not what I am doing. I am not saying that I no longer believe there is a God, but I am saying that the beliefs I have held onto and the base of who I am may be rooted in trauma misconstrued Bible verses, and perverted leadership. Leadership that preaches one thing and goes home and lives the complete opposite. Leadership that says love your neighbor but leads the masses in spewing hatred. Leadership that preaches honesty and transparency, but they are cloaked in lies and gossip. Leadership that uses and abuses women and children. Leadership that says things like, “If you dress like that and you get raped, and I’m on the jury, he’s going to go free. You don’t like that, do you? I’m right, though. Because a man’s a man” (Bobby Leonard of Bible Baptist Tabernacle in Monroe, North Carolina).
It is no secret that the world is getting darker and I don’t believe the light of Christianity is getting any brighter. Pastor after pastor is being outed as a rapist, child predator, adulterer, abuser, etcetera. Church bodies are left reeling and in the age of social media churches with large followings are leaving millions questioning their foundation. Pastors who have hidden their dark deeds in closets and under rugs have created long lists of victims, and when those victims’ stories are brought to the light and blasted all over social media other victims are triggered and pushed further away from the church doors. People who should be bringing joy and light to the world are contributing to the darkness.
In Pew Research Center telephone surveys conducted in 2018 and 2019, 65% of American adults describe themselves as Christians when asked about their religion, down 12 percentage points over the past decade. Meanwhile, the religiously unaffiliated share of the population, consisting of people who describe their religious identity as atheist, agnostic or “nothing in particular,” now stands at 26%, up from 17% in 2009.
(Pew Research 2019)
So in this epidemic how do women, men, or children and teens in shoes similar to mine hold on? Hold on to the belief that there is a loving and merciful God who works all things out for our good, and hold on to mercy and grace when those in leadership do not truly represent the Biblical view of God. How do we stay the course when the course is muddied and buried in thorns?
Of course, writing this I am fully aware that there are still good leaders out there. I hold the pastors who nurtured my family and truly were good shepherds near and dear to my heart. In many ways, those who represented Jesus well are part of the reason I am still holding on. We are a former LEO family and a current military family and just like there are good and bad in those professions I know there is good and bad in the church. My question to you is why? Why do I need to compare the church to worldly professions? Shouldn’t the church be the one place we can go to admit our wrongs, our struggles, and our doubts, and truly be safe to do so? Shouldn’t we be able to step into a pastor’s office alone, close the door for privacy, and not worry that he will ultimately be our rapist or abuser. Why is the church full of lies and manipulation? If God truly was within those walls wouldn’t all of those revolting behaviors already be in the light?
We idolize leadership. We created mega churches and our musicians and pastors have achieved celebrity status. We trust the word of influencers over the Bible. When those we idolize ultimately meet their demise we are left with deeper wounds and more questions.
So, with that, yes I am deconstructing. I am tearing up the carpet, and demolishing the walls. I am under construction, and before I can be put together and organized, I must first take everything apart and have the space to create a mess. I must take every belief I have held onto and examine it under a microscope (Ruiter G.).
Whether tearing a belief apart is a bad thing depends on the belief, why you’re disassembling it, and what sort of structure gets reconstructed where it once stood. Removing mold and decay from a home involves dismantling significant parts of the structure. But getting rid of the mold and decay makes the home a much healthier place to live in.
(Ruiter G.)
My reasons for deconstructing may not necessarily matter, but I believe it is important to the process. My life has been defined by traumas and things people have done to me. I have been neglected, abandoned, abused, and assaulted, my character has been put in a boxing ring, and my innocence was stolen from me long before it ever should have been. Many of those people that caused my pain were churchgoers, pastors, and esteemed leaders. Some of them may even read this blog and be convinced I am not talking about them. Plenty of people who were not Christians brought me pain as well, but the deepest hurts I have come from the church. A young girl and a woman can only take so much before the next logical step is to question the validity of those around her. From there the next step would be to question the perceived beliefs of those causing her harm. If we are supposed to be the ambassadors of heaven, then why are the people preaching the gospel walking billboards of deceit and perverse actions? Don’t get angry, again, I know not everyone falls into that category, but you cannot deny my experiences either.
The problem that I know may arise is that I could deconstruct so far that my disbelief takes over and the weeds run rampant. I could walk the fine line and fall into a pattern of deconstruction with no reconstruction. I could become bitter, my middle name Marie does mean bitter after all. Instead of a stronger faith, I could become buried in sin and uproot love, truth, grace, and mercy. I could easily fall so far as to denounce Christianity altogether. A path that many celebrities and influencers are finding themselves on. A process of deconstruction began because leaders, pastors, and friends caused them pain and deep hurt that left scars all in the name of God. Logically if people who claim to follow God cause pain then does God cause pain? If so why would I want to follow a path that only rewards faithfulness with trauma? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to walk away, be selfish, and seek out a path of temporary carefree joy? That is the fine line I walk, and I am fully aware.
All I know is that right now the pain I am carrying and the trauma that has shaped me has held me back and trapped me in generational curses for far too long. I have fought depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts for far too long. I have been angry and full of hatred. So while I deconstruct I might continue to be MIA. I might be, in the words of Meredith Grey, “dark and twisty.” I may say things or post blogs that bring up anger and the need to debate and that’s fine. Process what you need to, get it off your chest, unfollow me, or ignore me that is fine. Just know that the anger, the hatred, the gossip, the endless lectures about my wrongdoing, and the debates all wrapped up in harmful actions are part of the reason I’m finding myself here in the first place.
So here it is; I am being vulnerable and opening myself up to critics. Mostly because this is my way of processing and documenting my shortcomings, strengths, and progress. I publish this because I know I am not alone. I know that out there watching in the shadows is someone who feels everything I do, and if I can make one person not feel so lonely then it is worth the attacks of the opinionated naysayers.
In the end, this isn’t about me and it isn’t for selfish reasons. It’s so I can heal and be the best mother and wife I can be. It is so that my children can run because I dug myself out of the mud and began walking. It is so when my kids grow up they don’t carry the weight of the generations that came before them. It is so my children can be healthy, free, and confident. Everything I am doing now is for their future.
So don’t get caught up on the word deconstruction. Get caught up in the fact that our leaders are failing us and the people we put up on pedestals need to be knocked down. Get caught up in the fact that we need to be seekers of justice for victims. Don’t get angry at me or others who are challenging religions and beliefs, get mad at perverse leaders who take advantage of the weak and leave a wake of heartbreak and trauma. Don’t ask for my head on a platter because I spoke up, and fight the urge to silence the ones who question everything. The ones who are asking the hard questions are the ones who are healing.
All I am pursuing is peace, health, and strength. I want to deconstruct and tear up my foundation to build someone who is bolder and knows what she believes and why she believes it. In all honesty, I am terrified. I am walking an unknown path and this path could bring all of my sins and past mistakes to light. This path has the potential to unearth more trauma and things I suppressed. This path can hold those who hurt me accountable. I could be left in the wake of destruction without a path to rebuild. I can lose friends and my own family could disown me. I could be met with hatred instead of acceptance and love. By being vulnerable I am allowing new people into my life and giving them space to hurt me as well.
So I’ll keep you posted on where this escapade takes me. Worst-case scenario I fall deeper into despair, but in the best-case scenario I wake up healed. Best case scenario I find my voice and become a beacon for those who are lost in the rough seas and can’t find the shore. For now, you won’t find me leading worship or preaching on a stage anytime soon, you may not even find me inside of a church. You may not find me at all because in many ways I am still hiding. You will find me in therapy or reading my Bible at odd hours of the night because I can’t sleep. You will find me on the beach alone or with my family, or in the mountains and on hiking trails. You’ll find me in the places where others do not exist, away from the noise of the world. You’ll find me destroying my house to rebuild who I am, and when I am ready I’ll rejoin the world back in one piece. Right now I am returning to the last place I was when I knew I heard God’s voice and allowing Him to chase me again. When He finds me and I find Him I’ll let you know. Don’t rush the process, and don’t force yourself on me or on others who are walking the same path. Choose grace and love for the sake of our salvation.
Works Cited:
Pew Research Center. (2019, October 17). In U.S., decline of Christianity continues at Rapid Pace. Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2019/10/17/in-u-s-decline-of-christianity-continues-at-rapid-pace/#:~:text=The%20religious%20landscape%20of%20the%20United%20States%20continues,down%2012%20percentage%20points%20over%20the%20past%20decade.
Ruiter, G. (2022, August 3). Deconstructing faith and Christianity: What it is, why it happens, and how to get through it. Faithward.org. https://www.faithward.org/resources/deconstructing-faith-and-christianity-what-it-is-why-it-happens-and-how-to-get-through-it/
Stewart, E. (2024, February 25). Pastor’s remarks, implying women in shorts deserve to be raped, prompt local protest – bishopaccountability.org. BishopAccountability.org – Documenting the Catholic Sexual Abuse and Financial Crisis – Data on bishops, priests, brothers, nuns, Pope Francis, Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. https://www.bishop-accountability.org/2024/02/pastors-remarks-implying-women-in-shorts-deserve-to-be-raped-prompt-local-protest/
Raising Mountains 